♥ LOVELIESLUST

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17 May 2012 @ 04:32 am

Fucking sick of this life I'm having.

All that "I love you", "i miss you" and not to forget "I fucking hate you" life.

Love.. What the fuck is this shit? It's just something we all say but actually meaning it? I guess not. The words "I love you" has been said way too many times for it to be truly carried out. Love is over rated.

All it takes is just one stupid foolish mistake and BAM, everything is ruined just likethat. Just that one mistake.. Am I wrong to say that that was just purely a mistake? I think it's safe to say its wrong. It's never a mistake. No one falls for such thing and just say its a mistake.

We could have had it all but nah, guess you weren't happy enough with me. So that's fine.

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13 April 2012 @ 04:13 am

Succumbing to lust

Since twitter can only hold 140 letters, figured I'll just rant it out here. But hey, not like anyone is reading this shit.

And I just wanna start off first is.. Fuck you bitch.

I wanna say I've moved on and I really did. I wanna say I can and actually do it. I wanna say I can't and actually not do it. But thing is, I've tried and it didn't work out as planned. I kept giving in to my scum bag brain and that suck.

Tried t run away from the problem and it's like no matter how fast I ran, how good I am at hiding from it, it has it's way to come right after me. The faster I ran, the faster it comes back but only t find out that in the midst of running away, the problems just snow ball-ed into a bigger problem.

Everytime. Fucking everytime.
So right now, I'm just dealing with this same shit over and over again, snow balling bigger and bigger each time.

I've changed but I don't know what I've become to. It just feels like I don't know who I am, sometimes.

It all happened with just a trip. A trip gone wrong. See what it led to right now. A moment of folly.. A lifetime of unhappiness. Not only me but us.

I don't know man. I think I'm taking this too hard. I don't know if everyone reacts t it the way I do or I'm just being the crazy ass girl.

But either ways, what done is done. What's the point of harping on it every single day uh? Yeah man. That's the spirit!

A spilt second for a contradiction, fuck you, E.

A picture of a potato for y'all. Everyone loves potatoes ^^

An abrupt stop.

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02 April 2012 @ 07:20 am

Testing on ze iPhone!

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07 March 2012 @ 02:45 am

Hi.

Okay i know that 'lovelieslust' is dead now but because i have absolutely nothing to do right now at fucking 2.38AM. No dont gimme that "watch out we got a badass over here" cause fuck you. Hahaha. I got fired. uh huh. fired. Im a fucking loser right now and I've been spending my days at home like a fucking hobo no doubt. So my body clock is screwed up big time. I sleep at 4, wake up at 3 in the afternoon, eat, shit, sleep, smoke and sleep. okay, i really am a hobo.

So the reason why i came back here is to.. Geez. I have no fucking idea at all but whatever.

Read my older entries and i think i am one motherfucking self pitying woman. pffft. Im happy now. so...

nightnight!

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25 October 2011 @ 01:15 am

THIS LIVEJOURNAL IS DEAD.

I dont even know why I bother signing in for.
Goodnight.

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20 October 2010 @ 11:16 pm

I give you my soul, my life, my body and the little pieces of my heart.

Mend it. Play it. Then carelessly toss it around.
I’m willing. In return for that smile ever again.

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09 October 2010 @ 09:28 pm

I have one and a million things to say to you. You're refusing to talk to me.

You left me because you no longer love me.

Im just hanging onto nothing, hoping that you'll come back. Knowing that you wont, I hope you're happier now.
I love you..

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29 September 2010 @ 12:35 am

because you make everything worth fighting for.

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07 September 2010 @ 01:32 am

so today, this customer told me "one after another, jerks after jerks. I try so hard in every relationship so that it works out. but time and time again. it all leads to disappointments. so I decided to stop searching for one. cliche is, the moment I stopped finding, he( her current angmoh boyf) found me."

envious.

I stopped and thought about what she told me. then I realised, why do I keep looking for the right one to fill up the missing puzzle in my life? why do I keep thinking I found the right one yet at the same time, trying so very hard to salvage the relationship? why does it always backfire? why?

then, why do I stoop to such low extend and in such desperate need to find that someone to complete my life? when that someone comes, thinking how life would be so perfect and completed.. things changed. he left so effortlessly and together, he took away what 'completed' me and left me broken. one after another. jerks after jerks.

funny. irony. contradictory.
I thought every different guy I met is The One who has abilty t complete my life.

if I stopped trying, will god give me one? yet again, contradictions. I stopped, long time ago.

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06 August 2010 @ 12:39 am

regrets.

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02 August 2010 @ 01:14 am

Just one more chance
Hold me tight and keep me warm
Cause the night is getting cold and I dont know where I belong.

I'm the one that walked away 
For me, it's all that I needed 

I'm the one who runs away 
It's true I'm lost on the outside  

  I'm drowning.
 Forgive me.

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08 July 2010 @ 10:44 pm

maybe I'm just not in for another round of bullshit and heartaches.

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07 July 2010 @ 12:31 pm

dead inside

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23 June 2010 @ 11:49 pm

now that I've got nothing to do and I practically slept the whole afternoon and now I can't get to sleep. I decided to finally show people what make up brand im using. I'm not a fan of repeating myself all the time so yeah. this will be the last time ill ever do so.

from left to right.
1. MAC sheer/ loose foundation in NC15.
2. LANCOME MAQUIFINISH in 02.
3. L'OCCITANE fresh powder in Bright.
4. MAC STUDIO SCULPT in NC15.
5. BOURJOIS concealer.
6. CLINIQUE blushing blush powder in Cupid

from top to bottom, left to right.

1. MAC NOVEL TWIST: 5 WARM EYES.
2. MAC LIGHTFUL MULTI EFFECTS EYESHADOW.
3. BOBBI BROWN FACE BRUSH.
4. THE FACE SHOP colour nuance intense in BK904.
5. BOBBI BROWN long wearing eyeliner in Caviar Ink.
6. MAYBELINNE gel eyeliner in Black.
7. LANCOME eclair de peau in 011
8. BOBBI BROWN eyeliner brush.
9. IN2IT eyebrow pencil.

1. Etude House lipstick in PK007
2. Etude House lipstick in PK008.
3. Etude house lipstick in 4.
4. MICHEAL TODD lipstick in PINK LADY.
5. MAKE UP STORE lipstick in onyx.
6. THE FACE SHOP moisture lipstick in PK101.
7. MAC lipstick in CHATTERBOX.

1. RIMMELVinyl Gloss.
2. Laura mercier petal lip glace.
3. O2 Ultra Gloss in sandy pink.
4. Etude House 55 kissful Tint Chou in 3.

/I wanna buy more lipstick and lipgloss. My dear YSL, please wait for me.

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19 June 2010 @ 12:11 am

* sister nd her friend talking about their bands*

ME TO MAID: Siti. we also join band.
MAID: YAH YAH OKAY OKAY.
ME: our band name "Raphaelle and the dog".

/

and today I accidentally called my maid. so she left me a message saying "yes raphaelle. you call me for what? I do wrong again?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAH. she knows that if I call her, it means she is so gonna get scolde haha!

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16 June 2010 @ 09:31 pm

into the nothing

we've lost the only love that's worth fighting for.

we succumb to the changes and gave up. we lost not trying hard enough.
we lost terribly.

now that it happened, I have to gain my composure.

I haven't been thinking with a right, raitional mind lately. I'm just worn out, so badly, so much.

/it is not missing you that kills me, it is knowing that I once had you that does.

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15 June 2010 @ 11:04 pm

you were my standing ground.
the day you left, my world came crashing and tumbling down.

I begged for your forgiveness everyday, everynight. I need to know that I'm forgiven.

never have I stopped feeling guilty the moment you left. I treated you badly, I never gave you the love you unconditionally gave me. never before.
till the day God decided to mess up your life.

I miss you.
why did you have to go?

cone back.
tell me that you love me the most.
tell me that I'm the most beautiful thing on earth.
tell me that I'm the best at home because I stay at home the most.
tell me all the stories of your life all over again.
tell me you love me.
I wnna hear that from you again.

why have you stopped appearing in my dreams? are you still mad at me?

forgive me for I've sinned enough to go to hell.
forgive me for I have failed to love you the way I should.

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15 June 2010 @ 10:39 pm

I'll find the courage one day.

one day..

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13 June 2010 @ 11:59 pm

So agony decided t take happiness from my life, figment by figment. I swore to protect that little red thing right under my ribcage. never to allow anyone to rip it apart. but I failed, I failed to protect it.

I built a wall so no one will ever break it down and till now, no one has. I built a wall so living in denial seemed rather appropriate and well, a great excuse t many things. but beneath those cruel lies, white lies if I may say, brought pain and sufferings.

wallowing in self pity isn't a choice anym, it has overpowered my life. yet my feet stay rooted on the ground, allowing myself t wallow in self pity.

I thought that someone should be blamed for all the torments that person has given me, but when I look in the mirror. I see a girl, eyes filled with sorrowful tears yet with a hint of angst, who puts all the blame to everyone but herself. never did it occur to her that she is the one to blame for all the misery that she's in, for all the unnecessary yet somehow inevitable heartaches, for all the sleepless nights for all the pain she brought on others.

I swore to protect my heart from others, little did I know that is I who unknowingly ripped my heart apart.
I built a wall around my heart made of insecurites, making absolute precaution that no one should ever take it down, little did I know that the wall that got taken down long ago wasn't anyone but myself.

I guessed insanity must have a way of tormenting me or should I say I allowed it to?

I have no one to blame but myself for all that has happened.

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01 June 2010 @ 02:42 am

Lying through your teeth doesnt count as flossing.

/I cannot forget those memories.
It is haunting me.

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26 May 2010 @ 09:31 am

yet another dream of you last night. initially, I couldn't fathom the features of yours within the darkness of the dream. suddenly, your face caught a glimpse of light shone from everywhere in the room then I realized it was you.

but for some uncertainty, it wasn't you. have I not seen you for too long that fact just blends together amongst the strangers I came/come across everyday? memories started flashing back, it was also then that I realised the one I see in my dreams, the exact facial expression, that smell that always linger at the back of my head, the way you sounded, the way you looked into my eyes everytime we speak. you're one chapter in my life that I had t close yet dreams and vision of you kept appearing in my dreams.

such happiness. but the moment I awoke, reality slapped me hard on the face and reality hit me hard right under my ribcage that is beating ridiculousy fast. sighs. such short lived happiness. tell me, where, when and how do I find it anymore?

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13 May 2010 @ 01:03 am

I finally graduated. I don't know whether t be happy or upset about it since now working has t be my priority now.

it upsets me a lot that I don't/ cant enjoy life as compared t school days. since now I'm running t two salons at a go, its driving me nuts. one salon is training me and my current Korean salon is driving me insane.

I put too much stress on myself. I can't stop t see how beautiful working life can be. but life hasn't been such a bitch recently and that's the only thing I'm happy about.

did this post just so everyone who actually bothers reading this semi decomposed liFejournal know that I'm not dead and have not given up in my lovelieslust (:

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27 April 2010 @ 09:15 pm

are we still playing See-who-text-who-first-is-the-loser?
I don't wanna play that game, really.

its been 3 days.
what is happening?

you are the one who makes feel paranoid. that insecurities each time I think about us?

/I'm going to lose you soon, am I?

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26 April 2010 @ 06:28 pm

what was that ripping sensation just under my rip cage? it made no logical sense. it wasn't just ripping but twisting and pulling in different directions.

that bitter, sour, unknown or rather mixed feelings are slowly taking every inch of what's left of me now.

/what's left of me are only an ugly face, disturbingly huge body and a heart for you t either fill it or burst it.

I'm sorry.
I've failed.. failed to be The One for you.

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25 April 2010 @ 12:19 pm

I mean seriously. Go fuck yourself.

There are some people on Earth who likes giving their two cents worth of constructive comments and some people on Earth who thinks that their two cents worth of constructive comments make absolute sense.

To me, it doesnt. I mean it doesnt really have to apply to all but mostly ALL.
Only a significant few on Earth who gives good and nice comments.

Seriously, fuck yourself people.
Why cant you people just shut up?

Having tattoos, piercings and seriously thick eyeliner is not a crime. Stop giving stares, comments, fingers and more stares. Stupid people. Stop being so judgemental. I have to admit Im rather judgemental but not the the extend whereby I go bitch about someone right infront of their face. Its rude. People should start realising how rude it is. It is like giving themself a slap on their own face telling them to have manners.

I think I still that the need to tell people Im not scene, emo, punk or a rocker.
Im just a girl.

So do me a favour, fuck yourself.

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25 April 2010 @ 12:11 pm

Hey baby, here's that song you wanted

I cant put it together what we missed.

The pieces keep falling one by one.

/Am at work now. Cant wait for my pay to come. LAI LAI LAI.

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18 April 2010 @ 10:34 pm

bj

MAID: Next time find thing is use eyes see not mouth. (cause I asked her where my skirt is when it was lying infront of me).

ME: Then next time you help your boyfriend blowjob, use your eyes blow for him.

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17 April 2010 @ 12:16 am

testing testing!

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14 April 2010 @ 06:51 pm

all the words I've been meaning t tell you are scattered at the back of my head, unable t form them into sentences.

my mind was empty few days back.
Now, I have so many things coming right back at me at such fast rate, my mind just loses its ability t think well.

such feelings are hard t fathom, no?

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14 April 2010 @ 06:25 pm

I need t know you'll always be there for me.

I really do.

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12 April 2010 @ 10:39 pm

I have the tendency t always think about a lot of things when I choose t walk home. Today, my mind was at space. Empty, hallow, blank and quiet.

I tried t think about certain stuffs but it seemed like my mind locked itself away from me. How did it happen? I need t think, I can't just let it shut itself from me. I need it. Have I been thinking too much till my mind decided t take a little breather itself? Or am I just too vexed t think about shit?

I haven't been happy for a long time. How does it feel?

/taking a drag off a ciggerette, wiping the tears off my face, humming t the sound of the crying heart, tasting the freash salty taste of the tears, grieving the lost of the one I loved. I cannot help but t break down. sometimes, I just need t let it out. but t who should I share my sorrows with?

No one.

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12 April 2010 @ 06:44 pm

the girl who broke down and cried at work cannot be her, it shouldn't be.

why am I so vulnerable these days?

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10 April 2010 @ 08:27 pm

hi.

I just got my HTC HD2.

Just a quick update.
BYEEEEEXZX

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01 April 2010 @ 05:34 pm

Now that I have black hair again, I wonder how many people will tell me I'm emo again.
Fuck you all. Chao chee byee. I not emo. I AHLIAN.

OWN.

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27 March 2010 @ 02:55 am

*Digged my nose and Shuling asked me if my pisai is still on my finger after some time*

ME: No, it's under the table. i rubbed it there.

HAHHAHAHAHHA. GROSS.

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25 March 2010 @ 07:25 pm

Fuck yeah.

I hate to tell you "I told you so"

BUT..

I TOLD YOU SO!

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21 March 2010 @ 01:34 am

I've started locking entries.
Add if you want to.

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21 March 2010 @ 01:33 am

I hate the feeling of paranoia haunting me.
Everything better be okay once I wake up from such nightmare, it better be.

But how can it ever happen? How can I when reality is sucha nightmare?
I dont even know whether I want the reality to kill me or my nightmare. I cant differentiate such torments anymore. Such surreal yet so substantially, viciously real nightmares are beyond my level of pain I can ever go through.
It's just another sleepless night.

/A cloud of despair came pouring down on me tonight.
A night I've dreaded for all the reasons one could ever come out with. A night I wished, I prayed, I begged for that wont come upon but my prayers werent answered. I guess it never will.

Take my hand away, stop me from self inflicting pain on myself.
It hurts.

Can you hear my heart crying in all that silence that's deafening us? Can you see tha unwanted moisture welling up in eyes in all that darkness that's blinding and guiding us to the wrong path? Can you feel it.. tonight?

Im falling apart, tonight.

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17 March 2010 @ 08:30 pm

Hi people. You all can gloat over my mishap now.

Did my surgery in Tan Tock Senf just now. Fucking wanna cry and beat the doctor. But shall forgive him cause he say my hair like nice only.

The pain is so excruciating, I'd rather be blind.

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17 March 2010 @ 07:19 am

Heyho.
It's like 7.18AM now and I'm still on asleep yet.

I'll be going for my surgery today.
MY GOD.
I'm starting to like freak out already.

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15 March 2010 @ 07:31 pm

I'm gonna get my lazy fat ass out of my house and off to the Doc's.
Tsk, I hope there is no need for a surgery.

/Yeah? Now please share why you think you may sound like you dont give two hoots about shit yet you actually do give a flying fuck?

Its time you grow some brains. You need to be original. Geez.

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14 March 2010 @ 10:53 am

Sup.
Am at my salon now. Fucking 10.49AM now. Its a miracle I bothered turning up for work.

So recently, this weird number like keeps calling me and shit likethat. So yesterday at work, I decided to answer and it was an Indian on the phone. ANGRY. Call me and massive spam indian like I understand. Then that person decided to leave me a text after I scolded him.

GUY: Hi Pri. H R U. I am Pandi. I want talk t you.
ME: Hi Pandi. I'm not Pri. I'm Panty.

Knn.
I think he shit on his pants already. Scared only.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

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12 March 2010 @ 03:22 am

CYH

Messed up feelings.

The butterflies are rioting in my stomach.
This feels like nausea.

No wait, this feels like I'm missing you.

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11 March 2010 @ 02:49 pm

Hi people.
It is not that Im very busy that I do not update my LiFeJournal, it is cause the amount of pictures that I have to upload is stopping me from updating. Too many = too lazy.

My Doctor: You might need to go for another surgery.

GOOD GAME.

/Why didn't I know what I know now?

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09 March 2010 @ 09:00 pm

I graduated already.

Bye.

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04 March 2010 @ 11:37 pm

Seemed to be a lie.
A guiltless twisted lie that made me learn t hate you or hate myself for letting it pass by.

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03 March 2010 @ 07:30 am

I may sound like I don't give two boots about shit but I actually do give a flying fuck.

so shut up.

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01 March 2010 @ 05:50 am

As I lay dying.

As reality faded slowly into the background. The deafening sounds of my pounding heart gradually took away my ability to hear and to listen. Literally feeling the beating of my heart at the back of my head. I know I had to stop. Then as I tried not to think about Us, the screaming sounds within the silence sent chills running down my spine, It didnt want me to stop. I couldnt resist. I.. I was too tired to fight back. Memories of us started flashing through my mind vividly and ever so sky blue clear. As tears started welling up in my eyes, I tried. I pushed myself to stop. I needed to get back into reality.

I failed.
That single drop of tear made its way down my wrinkled eye, slowly using the surface of my cold pale face to reach my chapped lips then making an arbrupt stop as it reached the ground cemented with marble tiles all in the same shape and sized, filled with dust. Forcing myself to get back on my feet, I brushed off that very last hint of tear, telling myself I shouldnt be doing all this.

And as my subconscious mind slowly led me back to reality, I felt like a million of knifes were thrown and darted with a pinch of mockery, aimed to kill, straight into the centre of my heart. It felt like burning hell. It felt like I've just lost you all over again. It felt like a mended broken heart was broken all over again. It felt wrong..

Self denier. Drowning myself in a pack of lies. Suffocating by regrets and guilts. Gasping for a little breather. Heaving a big sigh each time my mind uncontrollably thinks of you. Such pain is inevitable.
Its a nightmare.
How many nights have I lain awake asking myself questions that bare no answers? Countless.

Why did you leave me while I was hanging on? How could you?
You were my standing ground. You were my only pillar of strength when everything in the world started tumbling and crashing down on me. You were my only remedy when I was love sick. You were my only one..
Make me hate you. Make me ahbhor you. Make me loathe you. Make me sick in my stomach. Make it ever so easy to move on without you, please. I'm worn out.

I guess this is nostagia.
Take my pain away and tell me I was wrong...

For loving you.

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28 February 2010 @ 06:35 pm

VERY

UNHAPPY

NOW.

)': X 269954250076422

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26 February 2010 @ 02:00 am

#3

RANDOM FACT #3: I have very bad runny nose when I'm very tired or when I do not have enough sleep.

sometimes, in the middle of the night and in the midst of sleeping, I have bad runny nose. I think sleep half way, not enough sleep then yeah very good. RUNNY NOSEEEE.

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